s familiarisation stage can be likened to buying something on hire purchase you thought was fantastic. You admired the newness of it and loved its uniqueness; felt proud of calling it your own and showing it off to your friends. However, having eagerly used it day and night, it has lost its novelty, perhaps fading in its looks, suddenly seeming not as attractive as it used to be. This makes you resent having to keep paying for something which is no longer as beneficial to you. You yearn to stop paying for it, even to let it go, but you can’t do that and, worst of allAt some point, about two to four years into the partnership (but it could be earlier, if a child is on the scene) disillusion creeps in. This is the beginning of the end for most relationships as they begin the downward slide to a break-up. That is why, if we allow the development of this stage to its ultimate conclusion, the average marriage in the UK lasts seven to nine years while in the USA it’s only three to five years. This stage usually has two parts: fierce tension at the beginning, to cope with constantly being around a new person and fulfilling their expectations, followed by a gradual accommodation as each partner learns to cope with the other. This familiarisation stage is perfectly normal, representing a sort of ‘buyer’s remorse’. Suddenly one morning, instead of just sparring with your partner, you’ll really want to hurt them emotionally without understanding why!

The familiarisation stage is the second most important one in the development of relationships. It brings the couple down to earth with a bang from the heady emotional days of romance. There is now a need for commitment, stability, individuality and, of course, power. Being together is based upon choice, not just need, which gives the couple unlimited time to get to know each other intimately. Familiarity brings its own rewards, as well as its problems, because this is the time when you learn that the superhuman, perfect person you’ve been with is just a human being after all. You almost have to fall out of romance to fall into real love – a case of ditching Superman and his warm protective cape for the more solid Clark Kent with his nerdy specs!

This stage has a lot of emotional barriers relating to the ‘baggage’ each person brings to the partnership, so the key invisible destructive forces each brings to the union will remain just that – invisible – for a little while longer. But both people will be more relaxed because there won’t be such a need to be on their guard or to be striving to please each other all the time. Boundaries will be tested as true feelings and personal habits are gradually revealed. While this bonding stage is more secure, expectations are higher and become more defined.

Regret at Being in a Relationship
The first part of this familiarisation stage can be likened to buying something on hire purchase you thought was fantastic. You admired the newness of it and loved its uniqueness; felt proud of calling it your own and showing it off to your friends. However, having eagerly used it day and night, it has lost its novelty, perhaps fading in its looks, suddenly seeming not as attractive as it used to be. This makes you resent having to keep paying for something which is no longer as beneficial to you. You yearn to stop paying for it, even to let it go, but you can’t do that and, worst of all,

tations, followed by a gradual accommodation as each partner learns to cope with the other. This familiarisation stage is perfectly normal, representing a sort of ‘buyer’s remorse’. Suddenly one morning, instead of just sparring with your partner, you’ll really want to hurt them emotionally without understanding why!

The familiarisation stage is the second most important one in the development of relationships. It brings the couple down to earth with a bang from the heady emotional days of romance. There is now a need for commitment, stability, individuality and, of course, power. Being together is based upon choice, not just need, which gives the couple unlimited time to get to know each other intimately. Familiarity brings its own rewards, as well as its problems, because this is the time when you learn that the superhuman, perfect person you’ve been with is just a human being after all. You almost have to fall out of romance to fall into real love – a case of ditching Superman and his warm protective cape for the more solid Clark Kent with his nerdy specs!

This stage has a lot of emotional barriers relating to the ‘baggage’ each person brings to the partnership, so the key invisible destructive forces each brings to the union will remain just that – invisible – for a little while longer. But both people will be more relaxed because there won’t be such a need to be on their guard or to be striving to please each other all the time. Boundaries will be tested as true feelings and personal habits are gradually revealed. While this bonding stage is more secure, expectations are higher and become more defined.

Regret at Being in a Relationship
The first part of this familiarisation stage can be likened to buying something on hire purchase you thought was fantastic. You admired the newness of it and loved its uniqueness; felt proud of calling it your own and showing it off to your friends. However, having eagerly used it day and night, it has lost its novelty, perhaps fading in its looks, suddenly seeming not as attractive as it used to be. This makes you resent having to keep paying for something which is no longer as beneficial to you. You yearn to stop paying for it, even to let it go, but you can’t do that and, worst of all

d, of course, power. Being together is based upon choice, not just need, which gives the couple unlimited time to get to know each other intimately. Familiarity brings its own rewards, as well as its problems, because this is the time when you learn that the superhuman, perfect person you’ve been with is just a human being after all. You almost have to fall out of romance to fall into real love – a case of ditching Superman and his warm protective cape for the more solid Clark Kent with his nerdy specs!

This stage has a lot of emotional barriers relating to the ‘baggage’ each person brings to the partnership, so the key invisible destructive forces each brings to the union will remain just that – invisible – for a little while longer. But both people will be more relaxed because there won’t be such a need to be on their guard or to be striving to please each other all the time. Boundaries will be tested as true feelings and personal habits are gradually revealed. While this bonding stage is more secure, expectations are higher and become more defined.

Regret at Being in a Relationship
The first part of this familiarisation stage can be likened to buying something on hire purchase you thought was fantastic. You admired the newness of it and loved its uniqueness; felt proud of calling it your own and showing it off to your friends. However, having eagerly used it day and night, it has lost its novelty, perhaps fading in its looks, suddenly seeming not as attractive as it used to be. This makes you resent having to keep paying for something which is no longer as beneficial to you. You yearn to stop paying for it, even to let it go, but you can’t do that and, worst of all

‘baggage’ each person brings to the partnership, so the key invisible destructive forces each brings to the union will remain just that – invisible – for a little while longer. But both people will be more relaxed because there won’t be such a need to be on their guard or to be striving to please each other all the time. Boundaries will be tested as true feelings and personal habits are gradually revealed. While this bonding stage is more secure, expectations are higher and become more defined.

Regret at Being in a Relationship
The first part of this familiarisation stage can be likened to buying something on hire purchase you thought was fantastic. You admired the newness of it and loved its uniqueness; felt proud of calling it your own and showing it off to your friends. However, having eagerly used it day and night, it has lost its novelty, perhaps fading in its looks, suddenly seeming not as attractive as it used to be. This makes you resent having to keep paying for something which is no longer as beneficial to you. You yearn to stop paying for it, even to let it go, but you can’t do that and, worst of all

s familiarisation stage can be likened to buying something on hire purchase you thought was fantastic. You admired the newness of it and loved its uniqueness; felt proud of calling it your own and showing it off to your friends. However, having eagerly used it day and night, it has lost its novelty, perhaps fading in its looks, suddenly seeming not as attractive as it used to be. This makes you resent having to keep paying for something which is no longer as beneficial to you. You yearn to stop paying for it, even to let it go, but you can’t do that and, worst of all, you are reminded daily of your folly by its continued presence.

But regret at being married, or in a relationship, is a perfectly normal feeling because you miss the days of being single; of not having to think of anyone else; of having no dependent children or any demanding partner. You crave a time when you could be spontaneous in your actions and desires without being judged negatively for it. Above all, you miss the carefree, happy, bygone days without relentless responsibilities. If you have been married before, and were instrumental in breaking up that relationship, this is also the time for some guilt and angst regarding a kind of perceived personal retribution. Altogether, this period is really a very tough time.

Having been on a fantasy trip which excluded everyone else in the ‘besotment’ stage, you do not yet know what reality means for you both. You have rapidly moved from being two single people to a closed item – as well as having all the relatives to contend with, which is an entirely new and somewhat scary situation. But this is the stage when you are likely to discover much more about each other. This is also the ‘possessive’ time, when each party asserts his/her personality in a bid to demarcate territory, to secure personal space and to feel comfortable with any new arrangement; the time when responsibilities are allocated and individual tasks emerge on gender lines.

Competition and conflict are likely to develop as expectations assume importance again but vie with one another for fulfilment. However, they are likely to be thwarted in the face of subtle resistance as both the reality and limitations of the situation combine with the invisible forces to gradually dictate outcomes. In this heated phase, couples learn how to accommodate their differences and to deal with the honesty and openness which are now an integral part of the union, but it will not be easy. Yet no long-term relationship can survive until that accommodation takes place, and many couples never reach that stage because this familiarisation phase will either make or break the new relationship.