ng ways toward ourselves and others, it is always because we are operating from false beliefs about ourselves and others.

If, instead of judging ourselves for our feelings and behavior, we were to move into compassion for ourselves, we would open the door to learning about the beliefs

We hear a lot about how important it is to be compassionate toward others, and it is very important. The problem is that you may not be able to really feel compassion toward others until you are able to feel compassionate toward yourself.

In the 37 years that I’ve been doing counseling, I’ve discovered that the most common underlying cause of anxiety, depression, addictive behavior and relationship problems is self-judgment. The most prevalent self-judgment is:

“I’m not good enough.”

There are many variations to this core shame belief:

“I’m not lovable.”
“I’m unworthy.”
“I’m flawed.”
“I’m not important.”
“I’m bad.”
“I’m a failure.”
“I’m stupid.”
“I’m not okay.”
“I’m not enough.”

However you phrase it, it is saying the same thing. It is a profound judgment against who you really are. And it is the opposite of self- compassion.

The moment we judge ourselves, we are telling ourselves that we have no good reasons for our feelings and behavior – that we are just not good enough. Yet our feelings and behavior always come from our belief system. When we are feeling badly and behaving in unloving ways toward ourselves and others, it is always because we are operating from false beliefs about ourselves and others.

If, instead of judging ourselves for our feelings and behavior, we were to move into compassion for ourselves, we would open the door to learning about the beliefs t

I’ve discovered that the most common underlying cause of anxiety, depression, addictive behavior and relationship problems is self-judgment. The most prevalent self-judgment is:

“I’m not good enough.”

There are many variations to this core shame belief:

“I’m not lovable.”
“I’m unworthy.”
“I’m flawed.”
“I’m not important.”
“I’m bad.”
“I’m a failure.”
“I’m stupid.”
“I’m not okay.”
“I’m not enough.”

However you phrase it, it is saying the same thing. It is a profound judgment against who you really are. And it is the opposite of self- compassion.

The moment we judge ourselves, we are telling ourselves that we have no good reasons for our feelings and behavior – that we are just not good enough. Yet our feelings and behavior always come from our belief system. When we are feeling badly and behaving in unloving ways toward ourselves and others, it is always because we are operating from false beliefs about ourselves and others.

If, instead of judging ourselves for our feelings and behavior, we were to move into compassion for ourselves, we would open the door to learning about the beliefs

“I’m unworthy.”
“I’m flawed.”
“I’m not important.”
“I’m bad.”
“I’m a failure.”
“I’m stupid.”
“I’m not okay.”
“I’m not enough.”

However you phrase it, it is saying the same thing. It is a profound judgment against who you really are. And it is the opposite of self- compassion.

The moment we judge ourselves, we are telling ourselves that we have no good reasons for our feelings and behavior – that we are just not good enough. Yet our feelings and behavior always come from our belief system. When we are feeling badly and behaving in unloving ways toward ourselves and others, it is always because we are operating from false beliefs about ourselves and others.

If, instead of judging ourselves for our feelings and behavior, we were to move into compassion for ourselves, we would open the door to learning about the beliefs

of self- compassion.

The moment we judge ourselves, we are telling ourselves that we have no good reasons for our feelings and behavior – that we are just not good enough. Yet our feelings and behavior always come from our belief system. When we are feeling badly and behaving in unloving ways toward ourselves and others, it is always because we are operating from false beliefs about ourselves and others.

If, instead of judging ourselves for our feelings and behavior, we were to move into compassion for ourselves, we would open the door to learning about the beliefs

ng ways toward ourselves and others, it is always because we are operating from false beliefs about ourselves and others.

If, instead of judging ourselves for our feelings and behavior, we were to move into compassion for ourselves, we would open the door to learning about the beliefs that are causing our pain.

What is your first response when someone blames you for something? Do you judge yourself or judge the other person, or both? What happens when you judge yourself or the other person? The chances are that the interaction is not a healthy one.

What would happen if, when someone blames you for something, you opened to compassion for your feelings of being blamed?

Let’s take an example of how different an interaction would be with self- compassion rather than self-judgment. In the following interaction, John attacks Mary for being over-drawn in their checking account. In the first example, Mary goes into self-judgment. In the second example, Mary goes into self-compassion.

John: Mary, we are overdrawn in our account again because you forgot to enter some of the checks. What is the matter with you? Are you stupid?

Mary: (thinks to herself, “I’m stupid. I can never do anything right.” Then she defends herself and attacks John). I just forgot. What’s the big deal? I’ve been too busy taking care of your stuff. If you would do more around the house, I wouldn’t forget things like that.

John and Mary end up